By Kai Mansa-Musa
Gone are the days when the conventional notion of a man as the breadwinner of the home suffices.
With the rise in cost of living, the burden of shouldering the responsibilities of a family resting solely on the shoulders of a man has the propensity of jeopardizing a marriage or a romantic relationship between cohabitant hoping to venture into holy matrimony.
This has produced consequences for some women which have persuaded them to rethink conventional gender roles, thus persuading them to takes steps, by training themselves in technical skills which are traditionally male dominated, in a bid to empower them to shoulder a portion of the responsibilities covering the welfare of a family which hitherto recent times society had been deemed to be the preserve of male spouses.
This reality plays out in the lives of a lot of people in Sierra Leone and the world over, but I bring you the lives of a few women who have shared their experiences on the consequences which those circumstances have produced and the steps they have taken to better their lives based on their experiences in a bid to increase their power in their romantic relationships and consolidate themselves as an asset to their husbands and lovers rather than a liability.
I am writing to you about change and also about cost-benefit analysis and how that relates to changes in matrimony and courtships.
From interviews conducted with three women I have realized that men are more likely to pull out of a relationship when the costs of continuing in that relationship outweighs the benefits.
Speaking to these women I have conclude that there are many women in toxic relationships simply because the benefits outweighs the costs vice versa for men.
On the flip side the propensity of a man backing out of a relationship is increased when he feels he is not getting as much as he is giving.
It is a natural phenomenon that partners and spouses who grew up with adverse childhood experiences which create deficiencies in their personalities, have a greater propensity to be attracted to people whom they chose as partners primarily because they possess what it takes to address those deficiencies, but sometimes at too high a cost.
Sometimes partners pay much more than they are getting back. They end up paying with, their self-esteem, love, and so many other things.
They sacrifice and betray themselves for the love of somebody else who probably grew up with neither that love nor that sense of validation or worth.
So they trade those for the love acceptance and approval of someone else, but it is only when the costs of doing so outweighs the benefits that they are getting that they are willing to change and turn over a new leaf.
In an attempt to test the veracity of the assertions above firstly let’ s look at the life of Aminata Barrie, a single-mum who took Auto Engineering after she had been dumped by her boyfriend.
She is a 30-year-old trainee in auto engineering at the You and I Garage located at Upper Brook Street in Freetown. On Wednesday July 26, 2023 in an interview with Premier News she disclosed that she opted for a career in auto engineering after her boyfriend with whom she had had a daughter pulled out of their relationship.
Together with her six siblings she was born in Rotifunk, a town in Moyamba District, southern Sierra Leone.
She got pregnant after sitting to the WASSCE Examination. She could not further her education as there was no sponsorship after 2011. She gave birth to a girl and started her training as an auto mechanic in 2021 at the Police Wives Vocational Institute after her boyfriend pulled out of their relationship.
Both of her parents now live in Freetown and she assists her other siblings in taking care of them from her job as an auto engineer.
She told Premier News that prior to now she lived with her boyfriend in a rented apartment, but back then her boyfriend was the only one who took care of her and her daughter, and soon after her mother fell ill and came to stay with them. She said that after her mother went to be cared for in Bo by her elder brother, her boyfriend started acting strangely.
“After our time in the apartment he had rented at Rokupa expired he told me to go and stay with my relatives for a while until he finds another house, but since then he has not shown any interest in us being together again,” she said.
“I think the burden had been too much for him so he gave me transport fare for me to go back to my relatives and I did,” Aminata said.
She said that after their initial separation he was not cooperating in the upkeep of their daughter, Jeneba Sawaneh, now in class three, which gave cause for her to report him to the Family Support Unit of the Sierra Leone Police but since then they had not come together.
She said that initially she had wanted to do catering, but because the applications for candidates who wanted to do catering had closed, she opted for auto engineering but has since not had any reason to regret her decision.
According to her family and friends initially doubted her resolve, but she says she has coped fairly well. She now takes pride in the fact that she now takes care of her own needs, cares for her daughter together with her parents whom she says also live in Freetown though separated.
Admittedly Aminata Barrie confessed that before their separation her boyfriend had been the only person taking care of her, her mother who was sick and the baby that Aminata had just given birth, apparently her boyfriend realized that the cost of being in such a relationship with Aminata who had no skill and means of generating an income outweighs the benefits so he gave Aminata the transport fare to go and live with her parents upon the expiration of their time in the rented apartment she occupied at Rokupa. Apparently, he used the expiration of the rent as an opportunity to unburden himself of a relationship in which he was giving too much and no receiving enough.
Secondly, the life of a woman auto-mechanic who said that being a productive wife reduced conflict with and increased the affection her husband shows towards her is worth sharing.
Alice Sesay, is a female auto-engineer at You and I Garage, Upper Brook Street Freetown. She told Premier News that her work has increased her income and contribution to the welfare of her family and has reduced conflict with her husband.
She got married in 2014 and together with the two kids her husband had before she bore two more, they make a family of six. The kids attend School.
Born in Samaya Bendugu, a village in Tonkolili District, Northern Sierra Leone, to where she makes regular visits to her parents and the rest of her extended family. She had been there recently to observe the funeral rites (Sara) of a cousin recently deceased. She is the youngest of four siblings, three boys and one girl. Alice is the most junior and she came to Freetown in the year 2009 where she completed her secondary education in 2012 when she sat to the West African Senior School Examination (WASSCE). She took the same exam in 2013. She has three credit passes at WASSCE, but because her mother who paid for her education was then too old, she could not complete her credit passes to the minimum of five inclusive of Mathematics and English language which is what is required for entry into University.
“After getting married in 2013 I was not engaged in anything productive in my life. I used to depend on my husband for my welfare and those of the kids. He grumbled a lot and we frequently had arguments,” she said.
In 2020 she enrolled as a trainee at the Police Wives Vocational School at Kingtom Police Barracks and started her training as an auto-mechanic. She says that at first, she had not wanted to be an auto mechanic as she had a negative perception built in her head as before then she usually saw the “fitters”, as they are called in local parlance often with dirty, oily and tattered clothes. He said that her prejudice subsided when her tutors told her that those in the same field who choose to appear in tattered and oily clothes do not define the job of an auto mechanic as a dirty job.
“Also when we go to do practical I see other women doing the same job, so I said to myself if they can do it then I also could do it and more better than even any man,” she said.
Alice Sesay emphasized that gone are those days when her husband used to grumble after she would ask for something.
“Now even on days when he does not give money for food I prepare food without having to ask him, and at times when there are financial commitments with regards the welfare of the kids in school I address them with the resources I now have from my job to the extent that sometimes he only gets to know about them after I would have addressed them. Previously these issues caused a lot of conflicts between us but now they have reduced. Although we have conflicts from time to time they are few and far between now,” she says.
Alice Sesay says her focus is on perfecting her knowledge of the workings of the internal combustion of the engine and how all the parts of the automobile machine functions. When asked by Premier news about her knowledge of the engine he rates herself six on a scale of ten.
By her estimation in about three years from now she would have attained absolute mastery of the internal combustion engine.
She emphasizes that because she used to be a Science Student she will complete her requirement to gain admission into university and proceed to study Mechanical Engineering at the University of Sierra Leone. She hopes to own her own establishment in nine years’ time.
She has now completed her course at the Police Wives Vocational School and has been retained at the You and I auto-mechanic Workshop at Upper Brook Street, so that she could be adept in her handling of the automobile engine.
Finally the life of Yainkain Samura is persuasive enough to confirm the assertion that the more empowered a woman is in a relationship the more likely she could maintain herself in it and at the same time attract the love and attraction of a male spouse or partner.
She is a woman Aluminum Worker with hopes of owning her own establishment in the future where she would be training other females.
Her name is Yainkain Samura she is 28 years married but with no kids. She works in a metal workshop where she makes Aluminum frames for doors, windows, shelves, cupboards and internal partitions in houses and shops etc., and installs them. She also does welding and intends to continue her training in the making of stainless steels which are used as railings for steps and verandahs railing on the inside and outside of houses.
She says the later is the most lucrative in her line of work but she is yet to perfect it. She mainly does Aluminum frames and welding and started on her job as an apprentice in November 25th 2019.
“I attended school and sat to the West African Senior Secondary Certificate Examination (WASSCE), but after completing secondary school I could not further my education as I had no sponsors so I started selling cold water and soft drinks,” she said.
“It came to a time now when I decided to learn a trade, but I was not sure about what trade I should learn,” she said.
At the same time the Republic of Sierra Leone Armed forces was inviting applications for recruiting soldiers so she decided to join the army because she has three credits and three passes at WASSCE.
“When my husband discovered that I intended to be a soldier, we had a discussion about it. Although he was positive about my prospect of being selected with the WASSCE result I had, he was unfavorable to me joining the army because the postings that come with the military profession would have meant that we would be apart for long periods and we would not be able to be together which was our dream as man and wife,” she said.
She said that her husband, a plumber gave her the option of choosing another technical job, besides plumbing after considering that plumbing involves some aspect of hard labor like mortising.
Yainkain said that she considered and preferred the option of acquiring a technical skill because it is better than going to the army, because one could be dismissed from the army, but with the technical skills she has now acquired “they would serve me to be independent for the rest of my life.”
She said that through her husband she was introduced to Mr Sullayman Jalloh at Kewulley Aluminium Service. “He brought me to my current workshop and introduced me to my current boss who accepted me,” she said.
“My husband and I bought a tape rule, a screwdriver and a plier; the basic tools that I needed to commence my training. I commenced my training as an apprentice at the Kewullay Alluminium Service which was established by former Leone Stars Captain Kewullay Conteh, supervised by my boss Sullayman Jalloh. When I decided to take up this trade many of my relatives and friends disagreed with my choice on the notion that the trade is one meant for men,” she said.
“Three months later they attempted to justify their notion that the job was meant for men only and increased pressure on her to quit the job after she sustained an injury on her hand while she was using the electric cutter; but this only strengthened my resilience and determination to prove to them that they were wrong. I was fired up by the fact that they had doubted my resolve to succeed and follow through on my commitment to learn the trade,” she said. A month after sustaining her first injury she sustained a second when a portion of glass which she was carrying broke fell off and pierced her feet. This was in 2019. Since then she has not sustained any injuries and has progress steadily in honing her skills on the job so much that she works with a minimal amount of supervision. Her bosses could delegate tasks to which she assumes responsibility from the time of making estimates, taking measurements, purchasing materials to the completion of the building of whatever job specification the customer would have desired and installing them.
However, Yainkain says that she has to deal with the fact that most times customers are uneasy when she is assigned to perform the tasks which are delegated to her. She gets back chats from customers which indicate to her that whenever she is assigned to do a task the customers become apprehensive that her bosses had not treated the job with utmost level of seriousness because they had assigned a woman to do it. She says that at times her bosses go to the extent of admonishing the customers to allay their fears of her not being able to do a good job.
“But I always prove them wrong. When I am doing my job it is those who doubt me the most that pay keen attention to what I do; and I like it because it gives me the opportunity to change their orientation and their perception about my ability. Many atimes they are so amazed that they become silent after I would have completed the job, and some even confess that they are amazed by the level of my proficiency,” she said.
Yainkain lives at number 29 Sumaila Town, a place on the hills overlooking Pa Demba Road, in Freetown a city where many youths struggle to get three square meals a day as a result of unemployment and poverty. She is now an epitome of how the resilience and resourcefulness of women could make a difference in their circumstance. She said that she could now do a lot more on her own and complements her husband in the economic responsibilities of their family. She has won the respect of her family members who had initially doubted her ability on the job she chose to do, especially when it is visible that the job has contributed to improvements in her welfare which is apparent to all of them. She lives in a rented apartment with her husband. She is a source of inspiration to both her family members and age-mates at the community in which she lives at Sumaila Town and many youth male and female alike have emulated her example by opting for technical jobs of various sort to be able to make their lives better.
Yainkain Samura plans to open her own Aluminium business where she would be training girls to do the same job she now does. She says that the first stage of his nine-year plan is to first acquire the necessary machines, like the Electric Cutter, the Hand Drill, Wall Drill, Rivet Plier etc. She emphasizes the fact that she helps her husband in the upkeep of their home and intends to continue doing so in the care of the children they would chose to have in the future. She says that she gets the love and respect in of her husband and she is focused on her job and career.
This gives us the feeling that a woman who is a helper to a man increases the possibility of receiving more love and attention from the man vice versa.